So the cancer is back. I went for a doctors appointment today and was immediately admitted to the hospital for surgery this morning. They will be removing my lone ovary left after the last time I had cancer in 2015, my uterus, some lymph nodes, the tumors, and possibly a kidney.

This means I will never have my own child. I will never hold a baby in my arms after getting to know its every move for nine months. I will never get to smell the top of their baby head. I’ll never get to know if they would have had my eyes, legs, or my penchant for stubbornness. I will never be able to NOT have a gender reveal party and insist that the baby clothes and accessories are not gendered. I will never get to carry on the Mary’s, biologically anyways. I’ve recently been wondering if I wanted to birth a child and now that it’s not going to be an option after 10:30 AM this morning, I think I took my child bearing years for granted. I don’t have time to grieve for the babies I could have had. What could have been. It’s not going to be.

I’ll have to endure chemo when this is all over. I’ll lose my hair, lots of weight, and my ability to not ralph up all food ever. I’m hoping that is all I will lose in this process.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Send me all the good vibes, mojo, magic, etc. you can spare cause ya girl needs it the most right now.

Warmly,

Maegan