One of the most surprising things of my Intuitive Eating journey is when I lose weight. I have recently lost some weight, I’m not sure how much. It feels like a lot. If you thought “Good for her!” or “Oh, that’ll reduce her chances that her cancer will come back” I don’t blame you. You may however, still be emerged in diet culture. I would urge you to read this article https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/ before continuing on with this blog post and with life. Love you!
Weight loss triggers my old diet culture narrative to begin playing in my head. I thought both of those same things that I listed above. Then I gently reminded myself that losing weight is not a huge life success. It’s not my dream anymore. I used to think “I’ll lose weight when I do this which will allow me to do this.” Now, I am a grown woman and I do what the fuck I want. (Which has some white privilege linked to it. Not everyone is in a position in life that will allow them to do whatever they want. I see you, I hear you, I stand beside you.)
However, the celebrating, the cheering me on in my weight loss goals, the compliments about my body compounded inside my head. Every time I notice I’m losing weight, the familiar lithe feeling returns to my heart. “I’m now more worthy” is what I was really celebrating. And I still hear people talk about how much better they look when they lose weight. Companies still try to sell this mentality to me. I still see the before and after pictures. All of which I didn’t know is still burning into my brain and rewards/pleasure centers. Before writing this post, I looked in the mirror and thought “Damn my stomach looks good now that I’ve lost weight.”
Even now, I’m sitting here reminding myself that my weight is not my worth, even if it’s on the other side of the coin of weight that sends people into doting diatribes. Losing weight feels like my body is conforming. It is no longer a middle finger to society’s expectations and diet culture. Odd how that mentality melts away with my weight.
My weight is not my worth. The way my body looks is not my worth; my hair is not my worth; my accomplishments are not my worth (still working on that one too, ugh.); my personality, my charisma and charm, how I treat and love others, how I fiercely advocate for other people– those are my worth. Weird to hear a woman openly appreciate herself? Get used to it. I’m here, short hair, short stature, losing weight, not accomplishing anything that my family would think is spectacular. And I still love my life and I still fucking have value.
One thought on “Weight Shifts”
You got that right my little sweetie. I appreciate that you are my Granddaughter. short, skinny,squatting, fat, or tall, short, hair or hairless, clear skin or freckles, beautiful teeth or toothless, beautiful brown eyes brown or plain blue eyes, homeless or living in a mansion. Popular or unpopular. I love you to the moon and back. My feelings for you will never change. I appreciate all that you have been through and things that you have had to endure. I can’t change any of it. I would if I could. I would want you to have a perfect life. Knowing that hard times sometimes visit us, Please know that I would have your back on any decisions of your choice. I love that you are writing again. You have an inner strength and talents that few people recognize in themselves. I am filled with so much excitement that you are following your dreams writing and expressing yourself I am the luckiest grandmother in the world and happy God and your mother gave me my Little Maeggie to share my life with. I am so happy that you and Malcom found each other. I wish you both years of happiness and fun times growing old together.
Sent from my iPhone