Ruminating on Death

My poor therapist has listened to me carry on about death and about being scared of it for months now. Hyper-vigilance is a part of life after cancer. Is that pain my cancer coming back? Am I not hungry because my cancer is back? Is this the time it’s going to kill me? Part of the cancer journey is facing your mortality, even if you have a good prognosis. My mortality has been choking me like thick smoke. I think about it constantly. Round and round these thoughts go, like wind turbines being perpetually pushed by the wind. It feels like I can’t stop it.

Whenever I watch shows or read books, consuming anything really, with death in the plot sends me into a tail spin of ruminating thoughts. It’s been debilitating in some regards. Death is everywhere because it’s just a part of life. I’m clinging to this notion that I have to be ready for death when it comes. Financially, socially, emotionally, spiritually. My therapist recently reminded me that no one is truly ready for death. She pointed out that I have life insurance and I’ve had the hard what-if-I-die conversations with Malcolm and my family. She told me that’s about as ready as anyone can ever be for death. It just doesn’t feel like enough. Where does me preparing for death end and my cold fear begin?

We are going to begin EMDR soon to work through my trauma. Apparently I have compounded trauma because I continue experiencing trauma when I haven’t dealt with the things that have traumatized me as a child, a teen, and young adult. I cannot wait to release my hypervigilance, get out of fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, and be able to relax. I am ready for the work! Thank Goddess for therapy.

How do you make sense of death? Deep question – I know. Hearing about others’ thoughts and feelings about death has strangely been one of the only comforts I can find. Still unpacking the why behind that.



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