From the Archives: A Long Overdue Love Letter to Malcolm

This post was originally published in early 2019 when I was healing from chemo and many surgeries.

A couple years ago, I started keeping a list of the wonderful things about Malcolm. I had hoped to make it into some sort of craft present, but that never happened. Every idea I had seemed cheap. M doesn’t read my blog much because he listens to every single thought, the fantastic and the mundane, so he knows what I’m writing. Friends, he even listens to my frequent thoughts about aliens, abductions stories, and conspiracy theories because he loves that ish too (we saw a UFO a few months from our backyard!! I cannot get enough of the X Files since. That’s a story for a later post). Could it get any better?

I am not quite sure how to express all the feels I had during this year when he held me when I sobbed from the wretched pain and said, “I don’t want to be in this body anymore” or for all but maybe two doctors appointments in Denver to which he drove my sick ass. You cleaned up my vomit. You fielded all the texts I got when I was high from the hospital drugs. You were gentle with me and never once lost your patience. I’m having trouble finding the words and finding a medium to express it. I’m coming around to the fact that I may never be able to. And maybe that’s okay. But here’s my clumsy attempt.

Colm, you are the most exquisite person I know. Here are a few examples of why:

  1. You are always down to drink a three dollar bottle of wine with me.
  2. You woke up to a Marvin Gaye song when we first started dating.
  3. You took meticulous care of me when I had a Foley bag. You even reminded the nurses that it needed to be emptied. You even carried it for me when it was uncomfortable to strap to my leg.
  4. You can beat me at Scrabble which is annoying but also a fun challenge.
  5. You love rom-coms much more than I do.
  6. You do the weekly crossword and Sudoku puzzles with me in quiet weekend moments.
  7. I feel so safe with you, physically and emotionally.
  8. After my friend MaryBeth introduced herself to you, you unintentionally said that your name was MaryBeth (that still brings me to raucous laughter).
  9. You think my farts are cute. (*Update: he no longer thinks this HAH!)
  10. You stayed with me every single night when I was at the hospital. Every. Single. Night.
  11. You understand when I am too anxious to go with you to work parties even though I told you I’d go.
  12. You love creating things with your hands.
  13. You dote on our animals constantly.
  14. You call medical providers for me when nothing is getting done.
  15. You call me on my bullshit in just the right way so that I don’t slam doors or get defensive 🙂
  16. You have the cutest way about you when you write anything on the interwebs.
  17. You do all these wonderful things without expecting anything back from me.
  18. You shaved your gorgeous boy band locks (eat your heart out, Harry Stiles) so I wouldn’t feel so alone when my hair fell out.
  19. You profoundly motivate me to be and do better without even trying.
  20. We come from the same star.

The list could go on, those were the ones that popped into my head. All this to say, I love you, darling. I can’t believe you choose me every day.



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